Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
