onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
