Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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