I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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