I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
