My underwear smells like fireworks.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
