peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
You dont lie about slip and slides
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
