so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
