i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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