Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
