Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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