I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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