last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
