hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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