If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
