I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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