Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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