How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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