and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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