OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
