Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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