I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
tell me about the fingering
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
