I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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