Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
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