i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
