Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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