Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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