it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
