So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
