K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
