): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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