Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
