Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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