At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
he was CRYING into my vagina
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
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