idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Welp...herpes.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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