He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
