I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Is Oprah even human
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
