im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
3pm strippers are depressing
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
