I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
