either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
