Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
