oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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