Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
