tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
