why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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