i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
