What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
i love accidental penises.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
