So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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