The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
