Your mouth is God's brothel.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
