Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
