We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
