You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
