It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
