got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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