party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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