My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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