I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
