my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
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