You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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