On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
