After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
