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like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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