It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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