Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
