The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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