If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
