My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
